Invoking and Revoking freedom all in 24 hours

I'm one of "those" moms who doesn't let her child go in anyone else's home or backyard 99% of the time. Call it overprotective, strict, whatever...it's who I am and I make no excuses about it.  With that in mind, Z has been asking me for several weeks why he can't go in Riley's backyard with the other kids on our street. I've been telling him it's simple..."I don't know her mom." Well he's offered to tell me the mom's name...umm not enough sweetie!  So finally Monday evening, the inevitable happened.  Riley's mom was home...I was home...Z realized we were both home...so I couldn't deny it and I went to talk to her. She is very nice and we agreed that Z could go in her backyard and jump on Riley's trampoline because she was supervising and only allowing two or three to jump at a time. I told him to walk home with Olivia (8 year old girl almost next door) when it started getting dark. I went back in the house and nearly cried because it was just surreal that I had to grant a new freedom. He came home when I called his name and all was well.

Fast forward to Tuesday...all Z wanted to do on the way home was talk about going to Riley's house again. I told him he wouldn't be going everyday, but I was okay with him going that day. I asked him if Riley's mom was home...he said yes and off he went riding his bike alongside Olivia again. I watched him all the way down the street...then when he disappeared behind the house, I went inside. About 20 minutes later I hear screaming coming from down the street...saw Z in Riley's driveway, asked if it was him, he said no...blah blah...5 minutes later I notice him walking his bike back up the hill to our house. I walked outside and asked him what he was doing....

Z: I just wanted to tell you I love you
Me: Aww that's sweet, I love you too....but what I was really thinking was...uh oh what's under that?
Z: and I wanted to tell you I'm sorry that I lied...
Me: Lied about what?
Z: about screaming...it was me screaming too, I'm sorry I lied mommy.
Me: okay, thank you for telling the truth...now why are you coming home...is Riley's mom really there?
Z: well no
Me: You should come inside right away.

So I went inside, counted to whatever number it took before he got in the door...sat him down face to face and asked him what the bigger lie was...that he screamed or about how Riley's mom was home when she really wasn't.  He was very quiet, hanging his head...he knew he was wrong and I could tell he was wondering what I was going to do about it.

Me: You know the only reason I let you go play over there was because I knew Riley's mom was watching you and making sure you were safe, right?
Z: yes
Me: And you know that I put a lot of trust in you by letting you go somewhere without me, right?
Z: yes
Me: I would be so sad if something happened to you. It's not okay to go in someone's backyard when they are not home and it's not okay to lie about things just so you can do what you want to do. When you realized she was not home, you should've come home right away to tell me.
Z: Yes ma'am...so can I go back outside and ride my bike?
Me: No sir, you will not be going back out today and maybe not the rest of the week.

Z started crying and went upstairs...I could hear him sobbing in his bed, but more than that I could hear pop sounds outside. So I went to the window to see four boys running around houses where no one was home...chasing each other with toy guns...then I went outside to listen better...heard the familiar sound of rattling bb's going into one of the guns....by now Z was standing by my side...telling me the boys were shooting bb guns at each other.  I watched for another 15 minutes...asked one boy if there were real bb's in his gun and he said "why?" RIght there, I knew I was right...so I waited a bit longer...overheard them saying not to shoot the girls, to only stab them with sticks....I walked over the boy's house and asked his mom if she knew the boy was out playing with bb guns...she said she thought it was just airsoft guns with those plastic bb's. Yes, I know what they are....I even bought a few for Christmas gifts.  But last time I checked, you could still hurt someone with that and you aren't supposed to be shooting them AT people.   Last thing I heard before I left her porch from her son:

"Well the good news is that our airsoft war is over...the bad news is I shot so-in-so in the face and neck...but I was aiming at his body not his face."

Yeah Z's done playing with those boys...at least when the guns are out. I told him so. I told him those boys don't know how to use the guns and there is no parent outside watching and he's just not going to be a part of it.  Whew....if only I thought that would solve all the problems of the kids on our street :(

I've got a new attitude!

In the words of Patti LabBelle I've got a new attitude...almost...I need a new attitude and I'm getting there. New year, new attitude. I'm always harping on Z about his attitude, his tone, his volume....but honestly I bet a lot of it is him modeling me and that's a hard pill to swallow. Admitting your part of your child's problems is well...nearly impossible.   But I think if we all stop and take a breather and really examine ourselves...a lot of the way our children act is a direct reflection of the way they see us handling the roller coasters of the day to day. 


I've read that in countless parenting books, blogs and magazines and agreed, but never really internalized it. I've been really frustrated with the way Z talks to us, especially when he's really unhappy about something. But if I'm honest...how do I talk and react when I'm unhappy about something...pretty much the same way....raise my voice (as if this will really motivate anyone to change their ways, actions or ideas), put things down hard on the counter (to show my feelings uh huh) Go in a room and nearly slam the door behind me and cry....pout but only if someone else is around to see it...these are hard things to admit, but I know I'm not alone.  I remember as a child, I couldn't stand being yelled at or to...it made me feel worse and it really made me not want to do anything, just built up anger in my own heart. I don't want Z to feel that way...crappy about himself, unmotivated to be good.  


Lately when I see him react to situations, I see myself as well and I just don't like it. I know I'm not totally to blame...a lot of it is also him just being 5 and not having a fully developed frontal lobe!! If you want to know more about how this plays into a child's behavior..I'll post some info at the end...very interesting and really explains a lot!!  I've read the frontal lobe doesn't fully develop until the 20s...so what's my excuse? Maybe it starts to deteriorate as soon as it's fully developed...yes!! That must be it hahahaha


Regardless of all the why's and how's...we've got to change. I keep telling him to talk to me with respect. I have to try harder to talk to him with respect, even if I'm angry. I tell him to pay attention to what I'm saying...I need to pay attention to what he says as well.  I tell him it's okay to be angry, but it's not okay to act angry in such a way that it hurts someone else mentally or physically...I need to make sure I'm following my own advice when I'm angry. I need to make it a point to keep my voice down and not talk in a disrespectful way. I tell him I want him to ask for the things he needs with a polite tone...adding the appropriate pleases, thank yous, sorrys, etc. I need to remember to also use these courtesies with him.  He's my child and yes as the adults and parents, his daddy and I are in charge...but we need to "rule" with gentleness, boldness and humility...hard things to combine in leadership for sure!!


I found an awesome blog post listing all the proverbs that deal with anger
http://strengthenedbygrace.wordpress.com/2008/03/04/proverbs-on-anger/
I think this one is my favorite...“The beginning of strife is like letting out water, so quit before the quarrel breaks out.” (Proverbs 17:14, ESV)." Picture a dam holding back a mighty river...damage occurs and a little breech begins in the dam letting out a trickle of water...but sometimes the breech grows and the water begins to find it's way out...it's built up with so much force and pressure, it can eventually breech the entire dam and gush forth with such power that it destroys everything in its path...wow.  Please, God do not let my anger be like that...help me patch the hole before it even lets any water out. 

I really do love that kid with all my heart and I want him to know that above anything. I also want him to learn respect, how to control anger before it grows into sin, kindness and gentleness. I want him to see our leadership of his childhood as guidance and love...not control. 


One thing that happened recently regarding the "in charge" issue was Z asking me if I was I was the boss of the house...I was curious as to why he asked that...but it all came down to one observation he had "Well because you always ask daddy if he has on an undershirt and stuff." 

Okay now here's some frontal lobe info from wikipedia that I found fascinating:

The executive functions of the frontal lobes involve the ability to recognize future consequences resulting from current actions, to choose between good and bad actions (or better and best), override and suppress unacceptable social responses, and determine similarities and differences between things or events. Therefore, it is involved in higher mental functions.

The frontal lobes also play an important part in retaining longer term memories which are not task-based. These are often memories associated with emotions derived from input from the brain's limbic system. The frontal lobe modifies those emotions to generally fit socially acceptable norms.

In humans, the frontal lobe reaches full maturity around only after the 20s,^[1] marking the cognitive maturity associated with adulthood.

Homework...grown up dreams

Z truly hasn't had much homework this year and for that we are grateful. We've asked for the extra worksheet here and there to try and learn the writing he's so "fond" of....but really nothing too involved. Last week, they sent home a 3 page assignment and gave us two weeks to do it...cool. It coincides with some kind of community helpers focus they are doing at school. They basically have to describe and illustrate what they want to be when they grow up and explain how that position helps the community.

Since Z could talk, he's probably already changed his mind 10 times about his future vocation and I'm sure that's very normal. First he wanted to be a doctor...told his pediatrician at his 3 year check up that "when I grow up, I will be the doctor." And he meant THE doctor, because the pedi said "sure, you can work with me," and Z replied with "no, I will be the doctor," to which the pedi replied "I am sure you will."

That went on for about a year before the fireman dreams started (shouldn't surprise us because when he was 2, Z told us the firemen took all his paci's, which made it easier on us to explain why he didn't have them anymore...and we didn't give in when he begged us to call them and tell them bring the paci back!).  Once he found out that firemen don't actually start the fires, he was less interested.  I think he still though the fireman was the chef at the Japanese restaurant. So we went from that to a cowboy, to working at Starbucks on his days off from the fire station...but...dreams turned into nightmares (for me anyway) when he decided he wanted to drive an ice cream truck.

Last week when the assignment came out, I asked him again what he wanted to be and he said a "cop." I was intrigued what made him change his mind...why was being a "cop" so appealing...and here's that conversation went (thank goodness for this being in the car and I could just glance in the rearview at him):

Me: So why do you want to be a cop?
Z: Ummm so I can take the dead people's bodies that they don't need anymore to the graves.
Me in my mind (oh crap, we can NOT write that on the homework; the teacher will force him into therapy)
Me, what  really said: "Umm, why do you think cops do that?
Z: because
Me: because why? (don't y'all get sick of saying that?)
Z: because that is what YOU told me Mommy!
Me: I did not..now let's get back to why you want to touch dead bodies...
Z: MOMMY, I will wear gloves; it will be fine.
Me: well, cops don't do that. I think you're thinking of a mortician.
Z: a WHAT?
Me: oh someone who works at the funeral home and gets the bodies ready for burial (can't believe I'm really explaining this to a 5 year old).
Z: Oh, no, I don't wanna be that. I wanna do that like a cop.
Me: Z , cops do NOT take dead bodies to the grave.
Z: (becoming very frustrated with me) That one day you stopped in the road and the cop had his lights on , you said he was taking the dead body to the grave!!!!
Me: Oh for crying out loud, he was leading the procession of CARS to the cemetery not putting a dead body in a grave.
Z: Oh
Me: so do you still wanna be a cop
Z: I don't know
Me: Seriously?
Z: (sees a police car lights on, someone pulled over) yeah, is that a cop?
Me: no, that's a sheriff
Z: is a sheriff like a cop?
Me: yes, but the sheriff works for Jessamine County; the police works for the city of Nicholasville.
Z: Oh, I wanna be a sheriff then
Me: Why?
Z: because they wear boots.

THANK GOD we got off that dead body train...wow...I was about to call a therapist myself :)

So our homework looks a lot "NICER" now that Z just wants to be a sheriff with boots....well, except for the part where he said his favorite part of the job would be shooting bad people and arresting them...but he did add "keeping people safe," so I'll give him some grace here :)

The Box

There's rarely any real trash in our home...Z can usually find a use for most trash in his "workshop." Now, I obviously don't allow all the trash to go there, but occasionally I will give in and let him reuse clean items. It really makes him happy and he focuses for hours on creating things in his workshop..."battery packs" made from duct tape with "wires" made with colored twine...double stick tape to make it all stick to the refrigerator to power it up! The thought and focus that goes into the creations is priceless and who am I to squash a future engineer or architect's dreams, right?!

So last Friday, the last day of fall break, we were driving around town running a few errands when from out of the backseat comes a squeal when we pass Lowe's "MOMMY, stop at Lowe's!!!" Thankfully I didn't wreck the car with the sudden shriek. I asked why and he simply said "I HAVE to make a box and I can get my stuff there!!"

Since we weren't really on a big schedule that day, I stopped. We went inside and he told me he needed wood, a hammer, nails and pinges (later figured out it was hinges) and paint. I have no idea how to build such things, but Z was convinced we could do it so to the lumber area we went. Z began to explain his design to one of the associates. He was talking wildly with his hands about this awesome box that would now also have a tube coming out one side to get the marbles in the box...ah oh, so we're making a marble box...but not just any ordinary one. The associate told Z he was probably going to be the next Frank Lloyd Wright, linked here for those who aren't sure who that was, basically an extraordinary architect and designer. Z had no idea who that was...but hey, he could be an architect!

The associate took Z to pick out his wood, we figured out how many pieces and what size he needed. Even with recommendations, Z pretty much had in his head what kind of wood he needed and even talked the guys into sawing it all up for him. We found the hinges and came across an "essential" knob to put on the lid...then we picked a custom stain and Z asked the guys to mix it up for him. Then it was off to the plumbing section to find the right curved pipe. He settled on some white PVC pipe because the clear tubing he originally wanted, wasn't strong enough to stand up and the diameter wasn't wide enough for his biggest marble. And oh, we can always add more PVC pipe to add to the design later, he said. (as a side note...if you've never been to the science center in Louisville, you need to go...we spent the majority of our time rearranging PVC pipe and joints to change water directions in the plumbing exhibit there).

So we had everything we needed but I couldn't figure out how we would get a hole in the side of the box. We went back to the lumber section. I told Z if he asked, maybe they would do it since they seemed to do everything else he wanted if HE asked! They said they didn't have the capability to do it there...but didn't offer an alternative to how I could do it myself, so we left and Z was very unhappy about it. I told him I would call some local carpenters and see what they could do or post a question on facebook. W

ell, posting on facebook got a good answer in just minutes of course. Our good friend Nick Rhodes (who I also claim as an adopted little brother) introduced me to the hole saw...WOW, can't believe the guy's at Lowe's didn't direct me to this gem. It was fairly inexpensive and fit right on David's DeWalt drill! But choosing a size was not so easy. Z explained to the associate he wanted the hole to be the diameter of the PVC joint, not the pipe...but there was not a bit for that size. He assured the guy that the marbles would get stuck if he had to use the small pipe to connect the box to the joint...this little argument went on for a good 10 minutes with the associate telling him it would be fine; it would not get stuck...and Z telling him he was wrong...vehemently shaking his head no no no lol.

Well we had to settle on the smaller bit and just vow to make it work. It was the only option at that point. We went back home and Z stained all the

boards, sanded the rough edges, even pushed the drill button for the screws (drill was way to heavy for me to just let him go at it alone haha). It was about two hours of completely focused work on both our parts. Turns out you can't make a perfect box with six equal-sized boards, so Z's box has "feet," but he's fine with that. And you know know what? Those marbles did stick on the hump created inside the joint by the smaller pipe :)

It's all about Z Lunch

I've been praised, chided, laughed at, encouraged, etc. about my decision to make Z's lunch most everyday. It's actually funny how many opinions there are on the subject. It's something I love to do--so far. The first few days of school, it was almost a burden, but then I found ways to throw some creativity into it and I've actually started to look forward to the process.

It does help that Z loves his lunches and really doesn't want to eat the school food at all. We do go over the menu and I ask him if there's one day each week that he would like to eat school food. We've had 14 days of school and he's chosen to eat their food ONE day, although they have charged my account for at least 4...another story for another day...or not!

I bought a planetbox from http://www.planetbox.com because I liked that it was stainless steel, had several compartments but all in one piece (except for optional dipper bowls), an insultated bag and so many places online to get ideas. So if a kid doesn't want their food to touch...no problem. It also allows for extreme variety and a lunch full of a few bites of many things if you want to do it that way. I've begun incorporating all different sizes of cookie cutters, veggie cutters...even fondant cutters in letter shapes. I LOVE THIS :) I initially was going to purchase a laptop lunchbox as I'd been an avid reader of all things Bento. I have found that I can still incorporate bento ideas into my lunch planning.

What is bento you may ask? from lunchinabox.net: A bento lunch is a compact, balanced, visually appealing meal packed in a box. Historically, it’s a Japanese box lunch, similar in concept to the Indian tiffin, the Korean dosirak, or the Filipino baon lunch. In Japanese, “bento” or “obento” refers to the packed meal, and “bento-bako” refers to the bento box itself. See the Wikipedia entry on bento for more details.

You can be very simple or you can get elaborate and those who know me, know I thrive on being artsy fartsy, so yes, this is probably going to get pretty cheesy over the course of doing it for a year. I've created a facebook page to document it all with photos and resource links, etc. Hopefully other people will add their fun and simple ideas alike.

Some days I wonder if Z really cares that I do all this, but nights like last night and mornings like today, really make it all worth it. Last night I asked him if he would like to eat a quesadilla at school today (he loves quesadillas) he said NO, I want you to pack one! So even though I was exhausted, I packed a fun lunch for him. He wanted tuna...after he went to bed, I realized we were out of tuna so I decided to make the turkey sandwich fun instead to cover the fact he wasn't getting his favorite thing.

The conversation this morning:

Me: So I have some bad news and some good news.

Z: whatcha got?

Me: Well, the bad news is we were out of tuna

Z: Oh nooooo!

Me: But the good news is, I made turkey dinosaur sandwiches!

Z: YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This was followed by jumping up and down and waving arms in the air...whew!

We also decided that he could have chocolate milk on Fridays, so I whipped some up for his thermos :)

I'm going to the Hibari Market in Lexington this weekend to feed by Bento obsession with some sushi rice molds so we can do some fun rice balls next week!! Oh and if you want to join Z Lunch Bunch on FaceBook, we'd be glad to have you! http://www.facebook.com/pages/Z-Lunch-Bunch/211520322238983

Tomorrow is "D" day

Z got his first homework assignment. He was not too thrilled at first...actually got mad that he might actually have to do schoolwork at home. Oh this does not bode well for his future academic life. He was way too concerned with how much play time he will lose with Olivia and Pete if he had to do homework. But then again, anything that subtracts time from his "friends who might as well be my kids" ticks him off.

This assignment is huge (to a 5-year-old). You see, this year each student in the class will become a "letter expert." They will have one letter that they are responsible for teaching the rest of the class about. The letter "D" has it's pros and cons for Z and they happen to be the same. CON-The letter is nowhere in his name; he knows all the letters in his name. PRO-The letter is nowhere in his name; he gets ticked at having to identify, look at, listen to letters not in his name.

So tomorrow, we have to send him to school with a small ziploc bag full of things that begin with the letter D. So far we have a dime, dirt, , dog (picture lol) and a diamond ring (fake of course) but I don't know how we are going to put in the only D word Z could come up with by himself--dinosaur--probably too big for the zippie. (UPDATE: I found a flashcard with a dino on it!)

PS...I know it's a crappy photo, but I had to take it last minute with my phone and the glare in the bag was yuck!

Full Contact

Since Z was three, he's been telling us he wants to play football. Maybe it's because David and I are pretty die-hard college football fans and it's on TV every Saturday in the fall. Regardless, there wasn't a league that he could play in until he turned 5. I'm not sure if it was on his actual birthday but somewhere around that date, he said now that he was 5, he could play football. Then came the hard part of telling him he still had to wait...until fall! So he continued gymnastics and we added in t-ball to see if he liked that. The only part of T-ball he liked was running...the rest of the time, he'd s

it or stand around digging in the dirt with his cleats or glove. So yeah, he really didn't like t-ball.

I started reading about Lexington Youth Football League - full contact football for ages 5 through 11 all indoor, climate-controlled, etc. Z's age group is 5/6 and there are four teams. The evaluations for the fall were the weekend I was in Nashville for MOPS convention, so David got to take him. They did a lot of agility drills and timed sprints. He did really well and got some of the best times. All the boys went home and the coaches had a "draft." The coaches made phone calls and the boys came back that afternoon to get their pads and practice jerseys and to find out what team they were on. I knew they had the Raiders, Falcons, Steelers and Cowboys. In my heart, I wanted the Cowboys for Z....the only reason being that we cheer for the Cowboys (well David does so reluctantly) Dallas Cowboys, OSU Cowboys....it would just make it easier haha. But we never specified what team we wanted; we just let it all play out. And what do you know...I was sitting in a lecture at MOPS and got a text from David with a picture of Z in his COWBOYS helmet!!! From what I understand, once they get on a team, they follow that team through the three age divisions...even better! Sorry David, there were teams called the Chiefs, and even if there had been; they are not God's team hehehehehe :) Love you!

The first couple practices last week were fun to watch. The boys ran a alot which made Z super happy. We were all a little anxious to see how they'd react when they had to practice in full gear Saturday. It was a monumental task getting him ready....There is a lot of STUFF involved in football sheesh. First we had to boil the mouthguard and fit it to Z's mouth...then attach the chin strap to the helmet. Then put on compression pants and shirt, then pads and jersey, shoes and socks, oh and that helmet. Ugh, that thing quickly became his nemesis. He complained it was tight, but I told him to just get out there and play--that he'd get used to it! The second water break, he came out and immediately started crying and saying his head hurt..."get back out there" we told him. In the process, one of his teammates (who are mostly either taller or bigger than him and mostly 6 going on 7) called him a baby. He kept it on for

the entire 90 minutes...then when it came off, his poor ears were so red. Yes, it was too tight. Coach took him back and put on thinner ear pads and I think that fixed the problem. I felt bad for sending him back out there and not addressing the problem right then, but honestly, I couldn't tell if he was just being a whiner and needed to get used to it. Now we know.

He says he loves it...and Friday when I picked him up from school, he was sitting in the gravel playing with...you guessed it....a football. So maybe we've found his ball sport. I think he'll always love gymnastics, but he needed a ball sport too :) Speaking of gymnastics, he starts the Thoroughbred class this week at Legacy. He's excited that he's been invited to be a part of a more challenging class. We'll have a pretty busy Thursday schedule though, with gymnastics at 4 to 5:30 and football from 5:30 to 7:15. I'm tired just thinking about it!