heart in the clouds

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Where's your ball?

Tuesday night after Angela passed away, I was visibly sad and I couldn't stop the tears from flowing. I found out about her passing while David was giving Zachary a bath. I knew I had to pull it together so I could put him to bed and not let him think his mommy was falling apart.

I tried, but I just couldn't and he kept asking me if I was okay. I'd tell him that yes, I will be okay and he'd ask if I was sad. I told him I was sad because I miss my friend.

Z: Where is her?
Me: She's in heaven now.
Z: in heaven?
Me: yes
Z: silence, then ...with Moppett? (reminder this is the cat we put to sleep in Dec. that I told him went to heaven)
Me: Well, okay, yes I suppose so.
Z: silence again, then ...with Linda's mom? (our babysitter's mom died last year and we told him she went to heaven)
Me: Yes honey, with Linda's mom.
Z: why are you sad?
Me: Because I miss my friend.
Z: her will get better and come back.
Me: No, I don't think she would want to come back now that she's in heaven with Jesus.
Z: Why?
Me: Because she's so happy now.
Z: why you sad?
Me: because I miss her.

David was hugging me and I was crying again. I looked down and Zachary was trying to get in between us so we picked him up and he hugged on me too and then said "I will get you somethin."

He got down and walked over to his bookshelf. On top of the shelf sat a softball. He picked it and held it out to me and said "Here mommy, this for you."

I said "um, thank you."

He said, "Are you better?"

I guess he thought the ball would make me feel better for some reason. He told me I had to take it to bed; that I had to sleep with it. He said I needed to bring it to his bed and read him books with it. So I did and he kept asking every few pages "Where's your ball?"

We turned off the lights after we read the last page of book number three. We laid there in quietness for all of 20 seconds when Zachary put his arm under my neck and pulled my head into the crook of his own neck. He was stroking my hair and whispering "It's okay mommy, it's oooooooookay." He'd do this for several seconds then ask if I was better and ask where the ball was. He finally drifted off to sleep. But I lingered there longer than I normally would because I was just so grateful to have my child with me. I thought about how sad Angela's mother must be to not have her baby anymore. It's gut wrenching to think that our children could leave this Earth before us and I pray that never happens to me.

I finally was able to get up and take a shower. I made sure I took the ball with me to bed and as silly as it sounds, it did make me feel better. I thanked God that he gave me such a beautiful, sweet and empathetic child. All the tantrums, back talk and other annoying behaviours just faded into the deep recesses of my mind for the rest of the night at least.

Wouldn't you know it, the first thing Z said the next morning was..."Mommy, where's your ball?" I told him it was in my bed and he smiled the biggest smile. I soaked up that smile like a sponge because I knew he would do a Jekyll and Hyde on me in about 30 seconds when he saw it was time to get his clothes changed! And...I was right.

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