heart in the clouds

Monday, September 22, 2008

You need a band-aid?

At one of the lowest points of last week I actually allowed myself to cry in front of Zach. I'd been trying to protect him from the stress I was going through, but sometimes that's pretty tough to do. He was so cute though, he was just blankly staring up at me, speechless. Then he said "Mommy, you sad?" I told him yes, I was sad, but I would be okay. He kept staring at me and I could just see the wheels turning in his head before he uttered "You need band-aid, mommy?" That made me cry more, not because I was so sad really, but more because of the empathy I saw pouring out of my child, offering me the only thing he knows helps fix a boo-boo. I told him that yes, I needed a big band-aid. He said he would get me one and then I stopped him and asked if he would be my band-aid. He looked at me in total confusion and just said "umm, no; I can't do it, I not you band-aid." We all giggled a little at that, especially since he didn't realize that is exactly what he was for me that day - my band-aid.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Life is such a roller coaster

I think in the last two weeks, I've experienced just about every emotion possible on the human spectrum. I went from being a little surprised and even scared when I found out I was pregnant on Sept. 8, to complete joy and uncontainable excitement when the digital test confirmed that YES we were pregnant. I think that was the 7th positive I took and I finally believed it. I believed it enough to tell everyone I possibly could and even put up a photo of that test on facebook for the world to see. The next few days were spent over thinking the new baby and exactly how our lives might change in May next year. Those few days were so full of positive energy and congratulations.

I started to have some strange feelings over the weekend; like something was wrong with this pregnancy. I had some cramping that I don't remember having with Zach that early on. I tried to focus my mind elsewhere and not worry about it too much, but then on Monday afternoon, the spotting started. I called the doctor, who ordered a blood test to see where my hcg beta levels were. I took another pregnancy test that night and it was negative. My heart sank. This was such a new experience, I've never miscarried before and I was scared. As the bleeding became heavier and the cramping became worse, all I could do was cry and pray. The beta level came back at 11, not good, but still showing some sign of pregnancy. My doctor said she was 95 percent sure I was having a miscarriage, but she wanted to retest my beta (today) to make sure it was going down. She said she didn't want to give me any false hope, but that strange things have happened and she didn't want to give me a script to speed up the process if the level wasn't going down. So now I sit waiting on the phone call that will tell me what I already know in my heart; my baby is gone. I know some will say "wow you were only five weeks, it's only a bunch of cells." But I believe it was my child and it's such a hard thing to imagine your child dying, whether you've held him/her or not.

I've cried so much and felt comforted by stories that have come in from friends admitting they've gone through the same thing - some of them more than once. I know they feel my pain. It was hard to go to church last night, even though I thought I'd find comfort there. Some people hadn't heard the bad news yet and came happily congratulating me and I could see the uneasiness on their faces as I told them I lost the baby. I don't know what else to say to anyone; I don't want them to feel bad, but I don't want them to believe something that isn't true just so they won't feel bad if that makes any sense.

I'm a writer; it's what I do so I think that putting my thoughts down in written form helps give me clarity when I'm going through trials and that's what this is, a trial. My heart will choose to say Blessed be the name of Lord; you give and take away but my heart will choose to say Blessed be the name of the Lord. I know he has a plan for me amid all this. I remember standing in church last Sunday morning and the invitation song was the Potter's Hand. I've sang this song more times than I can remember and I suppose just glazed over the words that God so obviously pointed out to me that day. I almost lost my breath a little when I sang "I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hand; crafted into Your perfect plan." I think He was preparing me even then for what He knew was going to happen the next day.

I'm not saying this is easy; it's one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, but I know God is holding me up. I think the thing that is the worst is that it's not just a quick blow; it's an excruciatingly long process and it feels like you just keep losing the baby all day, all night, for days.

Don't worry if you don't know what to say to me, just pray for me and give me a hug if you get an opportunity. We just want to be in God's perfect plan and we will and hopefully that will include one more child at some point.

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Potty Training Rewind

Holy, Holy, Holy...last night Zach told me he actually likes to go pee pee in his pants now. We'd come so far and were having minimal accidents and then he just decides to go on strike. Now last time I checked, toddlers didn't have the option to join a potty union so he's going to have to submit to his leaders at some point.

I mean really, we've been at this (at his leading) for more than 8 months now. And yes, I did buy the entire "Potty Training in Day" system. That lady is insane...seriously insane if she thinks my einstein is going to submit to that crap. It would give the parents too much leverage if kids actually potty trained in a day. What a false sense of hope that book shoves in our face?!? I'm sure there are those rare kiddos that actually get it in one day, but come on!!!!!!!

The conversation went something like this when I got to Linda's to pick him up yesterday afternoon.

Me: Zach how did you do on the potty today?
Zach: I pee pee in my pants!
Me: Where does the pee pee go?
Zach: In da potty, mommy!
Me: That's right! So, why are you putting it in your pants?
Zach: ummmm, becuz
Me: Because why?
Zach: ummm, becuz I like go pee pee in in in my pants! I like the pee pee in pants, yeah...I do!
Me: Ewww, that's gross; you like to be wet?
Zach: ummm, yeah, I do!! (followed by jumping and turning in circles).
Me: that's just nasty
Zach: naseee?
Me: yes, nasty! You need to keep your pants dry all day, like you did over the weekend.
Zach: Ummm no, I don't; I like pee pee in....my pants!!!

I realized at this point, I'd lost the battle for the day and there was no point in continuing. Now he won't poop in his pants, he thinks that's gross, so at least we have that. But gracious!

Speaking of potty training rewind - last week we took Zach to the pediatric GI clinic. He had been constipated once and I asked our pedi about running the celiac blood panel on him just to check; not because he'd been constipated, but because of my gluten intolerance and the possibility that Zach inherited that. He referred us to pedi GI and that's where the fun started.

We waited TWO HOURS in the exam room waiting for what I thought would be a GI specialist to come in and discuss bloodwork for Zach. Well all we saw was a nurse practitioner. Granted, NP's do know A LOT and sometimes take more time with you than a doctor, but considering our wait in a speciality clinic, I expected to see a specialty doctor! She came in lecturing me about the seriousness of celiac disease and the strictness of a gluten free diet, which DUH, I know; I've been doing it since March. She asked me if I really wanted Zach to have that label...well yes if he has it, I want to know. Anyway, the constipation came up and she wrote down "stool witholding" on his chart. I said he hadn't been doing that; he'd actually only gone one day without going. The rest of the time, he asked to go and he did it in the potty.

She told me that "despite what other people think, it's still potty training if your child can tell you they have to go and you say 'okay honey, let me put a pull up on you and you can go in it,' that's still progress and the child showing you they understand." WHAT THE HECK?? There is no way I'm rewinding all of it and telling him to poo in his pants even if he does tell me he has the urge. That was the lamest thing I've ever heard. I know I'm a first-time mom, but give me some credit; that is complete bull. I wonder if her school age kids still ask for poo poo pants when they have to go. WHATEVER! :)

I was going to write some really philosophical analogy, but I just can't lol; I can't lol.