I think in the last two weeks, I've experienced just about every emotion possible on the human spectrum. I went from being a little surprised and even scared when I found out I was pregnant on Sept. 8, to complete joy and uncontainable excitement when the digital test confirmed that YES we were pregnant. I think that was the 7th positive I took and I finally believed it. I believed it enough to tell everyone I possibly could and even put up a photo of that test on facebook for the world to see. The next few days were spent over thinking the new baby and exactly how our lives might change in May next year. Those few days were so full of positive energy and congratulations.
I started to have some strange feelings over the weekend; like something was wrong with this pregnancy. I had some cramping that I don't remember having with Zach that early on. I tried to focus my mind elsewhere and not worry about it too much, but then on Monday afternoon, the spotting started. I called the doctor, who ordered a blood test to see where my hcg beta levels were. I took another pregnancy test that night and it was negative. My heart sank. This was such a new experience, I've never miscarried before and I was scared. As the bleeding became heavier and the cramping became worse, all I could do was cry and pray. The beta level came back at 11, not good, but still showing some sign of pregnancy. My doctor said she was 95 percent sure I was having a miscarriage, but she wanted to retest my beta (today) to make sure it was going down. She said she didn't want to give me any false hope, but that strange things have happened and she didn't want to give me a script to speed up the process if the level wasn't going down. So now I sit waiting on the phone call that will tell me what I already know in my heart; my baby is gone. I know some will say "wow you were only five weeks, it's only a bunch of cells." But I believe it was my child and it's such a hard thing to imagine your child dying, whether you've held him/her or not.
I've cried so much and felt comforted by stories that have come in from friends admitting they've gone through the same thing - some of them more than once. I know they feel my pain. It was hard to go to church last night, even though I thought I'd find comfort there. Some people hadn't heard the bad news yet and came happily congratulating me and I could see the uneasiness on their faces as I told them I lost the baby. I don't know what else to say to anyone; I don't want them to feel bad, but I don't want them to believe something that isn't true just so they won't feel bad if that makes any sense.
I'm a writer; it's what I do so I think that putting my thoughts down in written form helps give me clarity when I'm going through trials and that's what this is, a trial. My heart will choose to say Blessed be the name of Lord; you give and take away but my heart will choose to say Blessed be the name of the Lord. I know he has a plan for me amid all this. I remember standing in church last Sunday morning and the invitation song was the Potter's Hand. I've sang this song more times than I can remember and I suppose just glazed over the words that God so obviously pointed out to me that day. I almost lost my breath a little when I sang "I know for sure, all of my days are held in Your hand; crafted into Your perfect plan." I think He was preparing me even then for what He knew was going to happen the next day.
I'm not saying this is easy; it's one of the hardest things I've ever gone through, but I know God is holding me up. I think the thing that is the worst is that it's not just a quick blow; it's an excruciatingly long process and it feels like you just keep losing the baby all day, all night, for days.
Don't worry if you don't know what to say to me, just pray for me and give me a hug if you get an opportunity. We just want to be in God's perfect plan and we will and hopefully that will include one more child at some point.