heart in the clouds

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Control Lost

I admit it, I've always been a bit of a control freak. This trait carries over into every area of my life - career, relationships, leadership roles in the church, organizing trips and events and well, the list could go on for quite a bit. Most of it probably stems from my chaotic version of perfectionism.

I think I need to copy and paste Proverbs 16:9 in giant font to a large sheet of paper and tape it in several locations...the car, the computer, the mirror...you get the idea. Proverbs 16:9 states that "in his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps."

It's a little difficult to stop planning and stop trying to control every aspect of your life. But as my nearly-two-year-old, who is also on his way to becoming a control freak, has taught me - complete control usually is unattainable. So why do I try so hard to micro manage all the details from removing EVERY bit of lint and cat hair from my laptop keyboard to making sure Zach has on the perfect outfit each morning and even bigger things like trying to make a gameplan to move back home, when God so obviously wants our family to remain in Kentucky for now?

I think I just need to admit that control is overrated. So here's a list of things I can't control, no matter how hard I try:
  1. Cats jumping on my head at 4 a.m. and then screaming in the hall after being thrown from the room.
  2. Simultaneously having a toddler and a clean house.
  3. Getting cut off in morning traffic on Nicholasville Rd.
  4. Watching above-mentioned toddler go ballistic after being told to let go of the cat's tail, or leg, or ear, etc.
  5. Making above-mentioned toddler sit in a high-chair at restuarants, for more than 2 minutes, without screaming "DOWN, MOMMY, DOWN" as if the seat is burning his bum.
  6. People moving away and taking your favorite Sunday School kid with them.
  7. Friends losing people they love.
  8. Medical test results.
  9. Some people's internet habits.
  10. Living too far away from my sister.

Some things are quite absurd, sure, but others are so serious and I try to hold on to control until it actually hurts. I don't understand why I can't make myself see how much easier it would be to just let God have ALL of it. But no, I must have some sick obession with the stress and worry that power hungriness causes.

I don't really make New Year's resolutions, but this year I really want to worry less and trust God more in ALL areas of life. Today I think my favorite verse will be Jeremiah 29:11 - For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you, not to harm you; plans to give you a hope and a future.

My Jesus is looking out for me, why am I worrying about the minute details?!?!


Misty said...

I have a similar struggle. Mine's with problems. I have the "I can do it, I can fix it" syndrome. Instead of giving my problems to God I CONSTANTLY try and fix things on my my own, until they go BOOM! and then I hand them over, with my tail between my legs and a sheepish grin on my face.

aimeenky said...

that's totally it, Misty! Why can't we just drop these things at the foot of the cross from the START?!?! Ugh,hopefully we will learn to do that SOON ;)